To My 15 Year Old Self

This is something I've been thinking about writing for a long time.  Since I've grown more and more into the person I want to be, I've contemplated writing this "letter to myself".  Honestly, when I was 15 I wish I could have read someone else' letter to themselves, just so I could have known that it wouldn't be so bad.  So here it is, after months of putting it off.

To my 15 year old self,

Right now you're scared.  Your body is changing in ways you never thought about at this time in your life.  You're preparing for what would have to be the most invasive, life changing, magical thing that could ever happen to you.  But really you're not thinking that way...except for maybe the invasive and life changing part.  But I know there is no way you think this is magical.  How could it be ?  You're stretched, you're sore, you've been poked, prodded, stabbed with needles and had more than one person put their hands where they shouldn't.  And of course I'm talking about the internals and of course I'm talking about your unexpected pregnancy.

You've been told you're too young and you know what?  You really are, for this culture (Western society) anyway.  But let me tell you something, you're not the first person to have a baby at 15 and you wont be the last.  In fact, in some cultures what you're doing is perfectly normal.  It would be normal for you to have had more than one baby at this age.  So in that, don't let the haters get you down.

People are going to stare at you.  There is NOTHING you can do to change that.  But people will ALWAYS stare at you.  Whether it's because you're young and pregnant, young and pushing a baby in a pram, old and pushing a baby in the pram, your child is having a tantrum, you're having a tantrum, because you're child is well-behaved, ill-mannered or well-mannered.  It will never stop.  People will always stare.  And you know the best way to respond?  It's not by looking down and showing shame, it's by lifting your head high and smiling.  Because no matter what your circumstances you are DOING A GOOD JOB!  As long as you're doing the best that you can, then you're doing a good job.  And I know you, you're doing the best you can.

People are going to tell you "you can't do this, you will amount to nothing, you'll never have anything good and you'll never get anywhere in life".  They are WRONG.  You will amount to the most amazing and the most looked up to person in the WORLD!  A mother!  Nothing is more special, more rewarding, more heart-filling than that.  And if "all you are" is a mother, then so be it.  It means that to one person you will always mean more than anyone else.  What else can compare to that ?

I'm also going to tell you that you will be successful.  At whatever you choose to do you WILL be successful.  You're 15, you've made this massive decision to keep, care for and nourish this precious life. You're already successful.  Sure, your dreams will change, but having this baby wont be the only thing that ever changes your dreams.  Believe me, dreams will be a constant change in your life.  There is no way that right now you would believe me if I told you that one day your dream would be to open a small restaurant, become self sustainable at home and be a caretaker of a community garden.  These are just a few of the dreams you'll have.  These are the most recent of yours 13 years from now.  And it's not all of them, there are more.  And it's AMAZING, it's the most incredible thing, just to dream, to follow your dreams and know that it's okay if you change your mind.

People are going to tell you that your child will walk the same path as you and they, in turn, will also amount to nothing.  They are WRONG.  Your child is an incredible 13 year old girl who has faced more in this world than some people face in their entire lives.  She's done it with strength beyond her years.  She's an amazing big sister to 3 little sisters, and they're all just as amazing as she is.  Do you know why your 4 children are so amazing ?  Because of YOU.  Because of how you've raised them, the lessons you've taught them and even because of the mistakes you've made along the way and you will make mistakes, but never regret them!  If it weren't for those mistakes these four lives you've created wouldn't be the same people they are and nor would you.  It is okay to not be perfect.  There is no such thing as perfect, there is no point striving for perfection.  The only thing you should strive for is being the best you that you can be.

So while you're scared and feeling down, while you feel like you only have very few people you can trust and rely on, know that it will change.  Hold your head high, because you're going to prove everyone who ever had a bad thing to say about you wrong.  People will look up to you, be proud of you and love you.  You will lose friends, and you will make some incredible ones.  Your children will hate you some mornings, but ALWAYS love you before they go to sleep.  It's not going to be easy, life isn't easy, but it's sure as hell going to be worth it.  So when people stare at you, talk down to you and scoff, hold your head and smile.  Just know that you're better than them, because when you see someone in a similar position to yours, you'll give them the greatest gift you can.  A smile, and understanding. 

"We all laugh in the same language and smiles are contagious"

To my 15 year old self, I'm proud of you.  I'm proud that I was you and I'm proud of how far you've come.

With much love, your 28 year old self