Thank you!

When you become a mother yourself, there comes a time, at least for the most of us, when we have to thank our own mums!  So this it, this is my time to thank my mum.

To my mum,

Thank you for all the wiped away tears, the kisses on cuts and bruises, the nights you spent with me crying trying to soothe my pain.  For all the "there's plenty more fish in the sea" talks, the cuddles on your lap even when I was far to big for them, for not always asking why?, but just listening or comforting.

Thank you for teaching me to cook and for baring with me when I wanted to be a vegetarian for a while there, even though I know it must have driven you completely crazy, especially because I'm sure you knew it would never last!  For putting up with my hatred of red meat unless it was mince, for complying with my fussy eating habits and for omitting peas from my diet until I finally decided I liked them.  Thank you for tradition English Christmas Lunch every SINGLE year!

Thank you for bringing me home donuts and cakes from work the day I suffered my first migraine, and thank you for making sure even the standby light on my TV was off because the pain it caused was so blinding.  For all the times you had to clean up after me when I was sick.  For all the gross jobs I'm sure I had you do!

Thank you for buying me a queen size bed, even though the state of my room appalled you!  For teaching me about gardening, camping and the outdoors, even how to light a fire and bathe in a lagoon.

Thank you for letting me completely crash your wedding anniversary one year because I was being a completely emotional turd and couldn't for the life of me figure out why it should be special ONLY for you and dad.  I'll never forget that day when you walked into my class to get me and take me on your picnic.  I promise I've learned why it's so special to you both as a couple and why that time as a couple was needed.  I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.

Thank you for accepting me at my least perfect moments, for not kicking me when I was down, yet embracing me for what I was to come.

But most importantly, thank you for teaching me how to be a mum.  For showing me always love and compassion that I can now show my own children.  For picking me up when I fell, taking pride in me no matter what, filling me with love.  For always having my back, for standing up for me, for never giving up.

For if it weren't for you I couldn't be who I am now.  I owe it all to you (and I guess I can give a little credit to dad too lol)

So thank you mum, for always being exactly what I needed

I've Given Up....and it's a GOOD thing!

Title seems a little weird huh?  Let me elaborate...

In Primary School, it starts off as fun, it's learning, it's pretty much everyone likes everyone.  Then we all start to develop personalities, we don't all get along, some of us become mean, others withdrawn, others judgmental and the list goes on.  We start to base our life worth around how many "people" are around us.  Yes, I will call them people, because Primary School is just the beginning of friendships, true, some will last a life time (or part there of), but others wont make the cut the next year, or even the next term.  But still, we base our worth on the amount.  The "popular" kids, the ones we all want to be like, are always surrounded by people!  People who laugh at their jokes, stand up for them etc.

In High School, the "cool kids" sit at the back of the bus and sometimes throw things at the "not so cool kids" we base our life worth around what area of the bus we sit.  Some of us never outgrow that.  And hell, I still sit at the back of the bus sometimes, because my children race there lol.  As an adult with young children, the purpose for the back of the bus is totally different, as High School kids, we always want to have that back seat.

We spend our school years striving to be what the people want us to be, so that we can have as many of the people around us as possible.  We judge ourselves on how many people we can surround ourselves with and if it's not "enough" we feel lonely, worthless, like we're not good enough.  We change ourselves to fit in better.  We allow ourselves false "friendships" so we can feel like we belong, and a lot of that doesn't leave us in early adulthood.  It can take years to stop that cycle. 

Well, I'm 28, and finally I GIVE UP!  I am not here to please Bill and Jo, I'm not here to keep up with Mary and Fred, I am not here to please anyone except for myself, my children (to the best of my ability) and my husband, again to the best of my ability.  I give up trying to change myself to appease others, trying to be friendly to people who have no intention of returning that friendliness.  I give up keeping quiet so I don't upset people.  From now on, if you upset me, you will hear about it.  If you don't like it, that's not my problem.  I'm not here to make sure you're happy at the detriment to my own happiness.  My own happiness is forthwith my biggest concern and I will no longer be trampled on.

I have dealt with a lot in my 28, almost 29, years and less and less I've been allowing myself to be treated poorly.  However, I do let it slide sometimes.  I probably will continue to, but not the extent I have.  I have 4 gorgeous children who sometimes leech more energy from me than I have to give, so I give up lending that precious energy to anyone who chooses to be negative toward me, my family and the things we do.  I don't expect everyone I know to like or understand the things we do, but I do now expect that if you don't like it, it's not your place to be an asshole about it.

My mother taught me young that If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  I stand by that, and I try to practice it day to day.  Many people couldn't care less though, and I am truly tired of it affecting me.  I know that life isn't all peachy keen, sunshine and rainbows, but I still don't deserve to be treated badly just because someone WANTS to!  Disagreements happen, and I love a good debate, but a debate, not an outright slap in the face, purposeful nastiness.  It's not hard to just keep your mouth shut, or your hands off the keyboard for that matter.

So as stated, I GIVE UP!  And it feels so amazingly good :)

To My 15 Year Old Self

This is something I've been thinking about writing for a long time.  Since I've grown more and more into the person I want to be, I've contemplated writing this "letter to myself".  Honestly, when I was 15 I wish I could have read someone else' letter to themselves, just so I could have known that it wouldn't be so bad.  So here it is, after months of putting it off.

To my 15 year old self,

Right now you're scared.  Your body is changing in ways you never thought about at this time in your life.  You're preparing for what would have to be the most invasive, life changing, magical thing that could ever happen to you.  But really you're not thinking that way...except for maybe the invasive and life changing part.  But I know there is no way you think this is magical.  How could it be ?  You're stretched, you're sore, you've been poked, prodded, stabbed with needles and had more than one person put their hands where they shouldn't.  And of course I'm talking about the internals and of course I'm talking about your unexpected pregnancy.

You've been told you're too young and you know what?  You really are, for this culture (Western society) anyway.  But let me tell you something, you're not the first person to have a baby at 15 and you wont be the last.  In fact, in some cultures what you're doing is perfectly normal.  It would be normal for you to have had more than one baby at this age.  So in that, don't let the haters get you down.

People are going to stare at you.  There is NOTHING you can do to change that.  But people will ALWAYS stare at you.  Whether it's because you're young and pregnant, young and pushing a baby in a pram, old and pushing a baby in the pram, your child is having a tantrum, you're having a tantrum, because you're child is well-behaved, ill-mannered or well-mannered.  It will never stop.  People will always stare.  And you know the best way to respond?  It's not by looking down and showing shame, it's by lifting your head high and smiling.  Because no matter what your circumstances you are DOING A GOOD JOB!  As long as you're doing the best that you can, then you're doing a good job.  And I know you, you're doing the best you can.

People are going to tell you "you can't do this, you will amount to nothing, you'll never have anything good and you'll never get anywhere in life".  They are WRONG.  You will amount to the most amazing and the most looked up to person in the WORLD!  A mother!  Nothing is more special, more rewarding, more heart-filling than that.  And if "all you are" is a mother, then so be it.  It means that to one person you will always mean more than anyone else.  What else can compare to that ?

I'm also going to tell you that you will be successful.  At whatever you choose to do you WILL be successful.  You're 15, you've made this massive decision to keep, care for and nourish this precious life. You're already successful.  Sure, your dreams will change, but having this baby wont be the only thing that ever changes your dreams.  Believe me, dreams will be a constant change in your life.  There is no way that right now you would believe me if I told you that one day your dream would be to open a small restaurant, become self sustainable at home and be a caretaker of a community garden.  These are just a few of the dreams you'll have.  These are the most recent of yours 13 years from now.  And it's not all of them, there are more.  And it's AMAZING, it's the most incredible thing, just to dream, to follow your dreams and know that it's okay if you change your mind.

People are going to tell you that your child will walk the same path as you and they, in turn, will also amount to nothing.  They are WRONG.  Your child is an incredible 13 year old girl who has faced more in this world than some people face in their entire lives.  She's done it with strength beyond her years.  She's an amazing big sister to 3 little sisters, and they're all just as amazing as she is.  Do you know why your 4 children are so amazing ?  Because of YOU.  Because of how you've raised them, the lessons you've taught them and even because of the mistakes you've made along the way and you will make mistakes, but never regret them!  If it weren't for those mistakes these four lives you've created wouldn't be the same people they are and nor would you.  It is okay to not be perfect.  There is no such thing as perfect, there is no point striving for perfection.  The only thing you should strive for is being the best you that you can be.

So while you're scared and feeling down, while you feel like you only have very few people you can trust and rely on, know that it will change.  Hold your head high, because you're going to prove everyone who ever had a bad thing to say about you wrong.  People will look up to you, be proud of you and love you.  You will lose friends, and you will make some incredible ones.  Your children will hate you some mornings, but ALWAYS love you before they go to sleep.  It's not going to be easy, life isn't easy, but it's sure as hell going to be worth it.  So when people stare at you, talk down to you and scoff, hold your head and smile.  Just know that you're better than them, because when you see someone in a similar position to yours, you'll give them the greatest gift you can.  A smile, and understanding. 

"We all laugh in the same language and smiles are contagious"

To my 15 year old self, I'm proud of you.  I'm proud that I was you and I'm proud of how far you've come.

With much love, your 28 year old self

Just a Little More

In case you hadn't realised whilst perusing my blog I lead a pretty hectic life with just my girls, my husband, my household and my casual job as a dog groomer.  We run on a pretty tight schedule most of the time to make sure everyone is where they need to be, when they need to be there and so that each of us get our time together or alone to share or just be.

I am also not one who does well with just sitting around.  I almost always like to be doing something and take very few days for down time.

So on top of what you already know I also knit and sell my knit wares on facebook (you can find them here hehe www.facebook.com/knit2purl2), I study too.  Currently a Certificate IV in Youth Work, although my life is changing so much and so quickly I'm not quite sure that's the right career path for me.  It's a lot of trouble, sometimes what feels like more than it's worth, but there is a great feeling of accomplishment in reading results.

Just because all of the above is not nearly enough, I have just dedicated myself to doing a 200km (124 miles) bike ride over 2 days to raise money for cancer research.  This is going to be a massive challenge for me.  I haven't ridden a bike in about 15 years to begin with and never EVER that kind of distance.  But I'm a pretty determined person, so I will do it and I will be training a lot.

I've been told I try to bite off more than I can chew.  I don't agree.  The average adult needs between 7 and 9 hours sleep.  Although of course others function well with less and others with more (my husband being on the more side).  I do well with 6-7 hours sleep which leaves me with 17-18 hours of the day for everything else I love to do.  Gardening, housework, knitting, study, cooking, baking etc etc etc.  My list of enjoyable things is pretty long :)  14-15 hours though isn't really that much!  So I run on a very tight schedule and as soon as I have my bike in my hands it will become even tighter.  I have become the queen of scheduling, budgeting and working from lists!  It's the way I achieve what I need/want to.

Days like today totally throw me.  Today was an "everything will go wrong" kind of day and it seemed never ending.

So I've totally rescheduled myself in the hopes I can squeeze everything I need into the rest of the week and just pretend this Monday didn't happen.

I named this post "Just a Little More" because I honestly believe that most people can find "just a little more" to do in their day to make them feel a little better about it, to feel like it wasn't wasted or just a horrible day.  Today my "just a little more" was registering for this ride and dedicating myself to raising $2500 in the hopes that one day a cure for cancer will be found.

Some people may think I'm crazy for always adding "just a little more", but I couldn't imagine my life any different, I couldn't imagine not doing something "just a little more" every day.

Technology Ban - Days 5&6

Yesterday I worked, which is why I didn't update my blog for the day.   I do casual work as a dog groomer.  My boss is a great friend, so work isn't really work, it's an absolute blast.  Miss 13 stayed home with my husband and from what I've been told he read all day and she slept most of it.  I think she was recovering from all the awful hard labour I inflicted on her on Tuesday.  Miss 3 was at her 2nd home at daycare.
Miss 10 and Miss 6 came along to work with me.  My boss/friend has 2 kids and my girls love them.  They, once again, passed on their technology ban and didn't touch it while we were there.  Instead, they rode scooters, went over to the school playground and drew pictures.  Miss 6 came in to sit with me for a while because she'd sliced her foot open pretty well on Tuesday night and it was starting to sting.

I was hurting, so so bad from Tuesday's gardening.  I arrived at work and of course my boss had booked in the good ol' big dogs!  One, a Maremma and the other a Maremma x Burmese Mountain Dog.  Thankfully the others were smaller, although I think they'd all had a few too many before they came for their baths ;).  It was, as usual for work, a great day full of laughs though :)

Today I intended on taking the girls out to pick some vegetables for our newly laid garden.  But I remembered late Wednesday night that I had the dog booked in to be desexed and making 3 trips out just seemed too much.  I was glad I made the choice to stay home instead.  The dog went in, much to his disgust.  He was not at all impressed by his lack of breakfast and even less impressed by arriving at the vets.  I had to carry this 16kg shaking lump all the way to the cage.  I HATED it!  I swear there must be something in the "mum contract" that states we must always be "the bad guy".  Take the kids for needles, doctors appointments operations etc and take the poor animals to lose their....well...you know!  When I picked my poor man up he totally avoided me and ran for my boss instead! (she had taken me to pick him up).  He wanted nothing to do with me.  We were informed that he was rather well endowed for an 8 months old pup (something for dad to be proud of ?!) so he may have some pretty heavy swelling.  We were also informed that he didn't cry at all and was a good boy all day.   As soon as I got him in the car, he started crying.  I then had to contemplate if he was in pain or just playing it up for the loves.

The kids were all very happy to see him, and him them.  Miss 3 was especially happy!  She was very concerned for him and had a very teary day just wanting him to come home.  She actually spent some time outside calling for him :(  He hates his halo, but wont leave his stitches alone, so it's a must.  Miss 3 doesn't seem to understand that he's going to take some time to heal, but she is, so far, being very good with him.   I'm not sure he's going to like not being able to come on a walk tomorrow.

So due to the in and out of the vet, I spent my day sorting out my linen cupboard and moving Miss 6 and Miss 3 into another bedroom.  Now their room can be fully cleaned out and we can start preparing and planning for their makeover, which I've been told must include a Castle Bunk Bed!  Lucky my husband and I like a bit of a challenge.  Actually, I like a bit of a challenge, my husband just likes to make my visions come to life ;)  Not sure he actually likes the work itself much though haha.

I know I've said it before, but I really am loving seeing the girls find new ways to entertain themselves.  The trampoline has had more use in the last few days than it has since the kids got it 2 Christmases ago!  Bedrooms have been kept clean, creations have been made it's great!  I don't think I'll be lifting the ban.  I may relax it a little so that on days no one really feels like doing anything (and honestly, who doesn't have them!) we will have movie days.  But we are definitely going to remain more creative with our time.  Tomorrow marks the end of the week and tomorrow we will take our plans for our garden and start bringing them to life.  Although the husband will be left home to care for the dog.

Life is wonderful! 

Technology Ban - Day 4

Today was HARD!  Oh what I would have given to just collapse in my chair with my laptop, put a movie on for the kids and just not move.  This, all by lunchtime!  But I didn't I persevered.

My day started with my usual walk with the dog.  If I don't walk the dog by 8:20am he whimpers at me and eventually barks from the front door whilst looking longingly at his harness.  He wins, every time, he wins.   Then when he gets home he jumps around me until he gets his treat.  It's a ritual, and if we don't comply we are harassed, but we love him.

When I got home I called the landscaping company to order my soil for the vegetable and herb gardens.  I was completely shocked that the could deliver today!  In fact it took them about 30 minutes from phone call to soil dump.  Brilliant!  I was so excited, I've been wanting this vegetable patch done for a long time and I was finally biting the bullet and not putting it off.  This brought up a couple of problems though.  Miss 13 was "too tired" and tried very hard to refuse moving from her bed, but I always win out these arguments and considering the 4 days she's already endured without her beloved facebook, she wasn't going to risk anymore time.  Ahh mummy negotiations how I love thee.  The other problem was that no matter how many times I'd tried to get the motivation to prepare the plots we had picked for the garden ready for the soil, I hadn't done it!  So it was a mad house to get them all dug up.  I wanted all the soil moved before the day was through because I did not want creepy people sifting through it and stealing it in my sleep.  And yes, I had vivid images of just how said people would accomplish this.  First plot was done, we laid the weed mat, we ran out of weed mat (oops!).  So I left my kids and husband to shovel dirt while I ran for more.  By the time I got home with more it was time for my husband to get himself ready for work, which just let myself and my 4 darling daughters to do the job.  I just loved how many times I was told "c'mon mum, you've done enough for one day, why don't you take a break?"  This was their way of saying "please stop working us so hard, we just want to sit down".  But I wasn't giving in, I was finishing this!  I had 3 tone of soil delivered, by husband got maybe 1/2 a tonne moved by the time he left, that left me with 2 1/2 tonne to move!  It seemed so simple.

My mum suggested kid size containers so they could help move it.  I didn't have anything, well at least I thought I didn't.  Behold the potties we no longer need!  I swear a light shone down on them and drew me in.  Yes!  The opportunity to get my kids running from the front of the house to the back sporting a potty!  Excellent ;)  They weren't too impressed, but they rolled with it.  Gosh, I love my children.

It was 6pm before we finished, but we did it.  Every last bit of soil moved to it's new home.  we left my husband with a little bit of leveling to do, but not much, we got most of that done too.  Our biggest challenge in moving the soil was Miss 3.  She thought it was the best thing EVER!  Oh My God, mum has said I can actually PLAY in the dirt and I'm not being told to come inside and wash up!  You could have mistaken my house for a Christmas morning.  She climbed to the top of the pile and slip down it head first, time and time and time again.  At the same time though, she was very determined to help too!  "No mummy, I can push the wheel barrow, no mummy I can shovel the dirt, no mummy I'M using this one I don't need your help, I'll do it, go away!"  Awesome little girl she is and I appreciated so much how she wanted to help, but I'd still be outside with 2 tonne of soil if we'd done it her way.

Today was a day from my childhood.  I remember doing these things with my parents, the pain it inflicted and then the joy from the end product.  I loved it and you know what ?  With only one or two complaints, my kids loved it too!  When I went out with the last load of soil and said "that's it we're done", they sighed with relief and then took a look around them and said "wow!  Did we really do this, just today?!"  Best feeling ever! 

Tomorrow I will be off working, Miss 3 will be in daycare and the other girls have the choice of coming with me or staying home.  Then Thursday I am taking them ALL out to pick their very own vegetable, fruit or herb to plant.  We will also be getting some wooden stakes and painting and labeling our veggies :)

This technology ban has been the best decision I've made for my family in a long time.  I couldn't be more proud of how we all worked together

Technology Ban - Day 3

Miss 3 went off to daycare today and with Miss 10 and 13 both away it left us with just Miss 6 at home.  We caved a little this morning using the iPad, but it was only to talk to my mother in law who we'd been trying to call for a week!  I didn't want to ban my husband from talking to his mum, so we allowed it lol.

Following that we headed off to the library.  To start with I got told "there's nothing here mum".  So I asked my darling 6 year old, why out of the 100s of books here she couldn't find a thing ?  I asked her if it were perhaps the fact that she'd spent all of about 30 seconds quickly sweeping the surroundings ?  She went off to look again.  I loaded up on a couple of Tolkien books that I haven't read before, lots of gardening books and a course a knitting book.  My husband got himself some more reading material.  I think he will be back at the library before anyone because he has this tendency of devouring a book in the way a lion might chew it's prey.  The 6 year old who "couldn't find anything" suddenly had a pile of books about half a mile high sitting on a chair.  It was sitting on the chair for 2 reasons.  Firstly, she couldn't carry them all and secondly she needed 2 free hands to keep adding to the pile!  So much for there being nothing lol.  So we had to enforce the negotiating techniques we are so familiar with.  It consisted of "There is no way you're having all of them!"  She went through them and reduced it down to an amount we could at least carry out of the library comfortably and we went for lunch.  Miss 6 played happily on the playground for a little while, we ate and my husband and I were engulfed in our books.  Mine being on Organic Gardening. 

Once home I realised very quickly that I'd forgotten to pick up garbage bags and yes we did unfortunately did them that minute.  Now, you have to understand that we do not own a car.  So we walk everywhere.  The library is about a 15 minute walk, the shops are right next door.  So after already making that trip, I had to make it again.  When you have to do it more than once in a day, you dread it.  Luckily we're pretty used to it because I am absolutely incredible at leaving lists at home and then forgetting important things at the store.  It's a special power I acquired upon having kids...

At the shops I decided I would get us a second hose so that my husband would remember to water his herbs.  Me, being my horrible self had moved our only hose out the back to water the greenhouse and as a result of my incredulous move the herbs were dying.  New hose it was!  No we have one front and back, so here's hoping nothing else dies.  I also got weed mat ready to start tomorrow's garden adventure.  In my excitement of gardening goods I walked out WITHOUT garbage bags!  At least I was still in the center though lol.  So I trudged back in for them.

Not long after I got home, the husband had to get ready for work and we had guests arrive that we hadn't seen in years!  That was a quick visit though, although they were back for coffee a little later :)  I started on the housework that needed doing and at this point Miss 10 arrived home.

Well, can I just say I am one extremely proud mother today!  She had every opportunity to watch TV etc, but instead she chose to tell her grandparents all about the technology ban.  So guess what ?!  Everyone was banned from technology there too!  She didn't watch any TV until after 6pm and avoided it all day today.  My heart swelled when they told me.  If that's the kind of awesome kids I'm raising, then damn I'm doing something right!

After dinner and after Miss 3 was bathed, Miss 13 arrived home.  She arrived home with CUPCAKES!  Then refused to share, oh but just wait until she's sleeping hehehe.  You know what else though?? She didn't watch TV until AFTER 6:30!!!  She didn't go on the computer with her friend, she baked cupcakes, played with the dogs and stayed up most of the night READING.  I was in shock, actually I think my heart may have stopped for just a few seconds!  Tonight my 13 and 10 year old are spending a little well deserved time playing their games on the computer.  I think they've earned it, I also think they're loving this more than they ever thought they would.

I am really proud of my kids :)  Tomorrow I am putting them to work in the garden :D